Take My Picture and Make it Snappy!

I know. I KNOW!

It's not easy being beautiful, and please don't hate ME because I am.
I see you no-shells. You swirl around me, and make loud honking sounds, and get close to me, and then leave (!) your shiny shells and place yourselves in great danger of being hit by other shiny shells, just because you see ME.
You want to help ME cross the big, gray, dry stubbley river.
You know you like ME.
It's not easy being beautiful.

Does YOUR Mother love YOU?
Mine would likely snap my head off if she was still around!
But she's not. Uhn -uh. No siree. Left me lying in a gravel pit on the side of the gray stubbley river. She left me! So I pecked myself out, dusted myself off, and headed for the nearest swamp. There are likely still flecks of Mommy dearest on my wrinkly carpacious back. Thanks to YOU and your disposable  shiny shell things.

Bet you  didn't know that I am the OFFICIAL REPTILE of New York. Chosen because I am crusty, cranky, and on a scale of one to ten? I'm an eleven.
Bite you.
(That's what I'll do if you come too close.)
And you want to talk about claws? Hah! I nailed that one!
And political cartoons? Hah hah!!
ME! 1807. I was the first!

Betcha didn't know that  Ograbme is Embargo spelled backwards! And this little snippet is all about the Jeffersonian Embargo.
I'd bite anyone who tried to trade with  the British.

You love ME!
Now, make like a turtle. And make it snappy.